My baby is one year old.

While obviously, this is a significant milestone for him - I’m trying to find a balance between telling my story, and not telling his. The often forgotten part of birthday’s are parents - and I know I never gave my parents much thought when I was growing up and it was my birthday. It was just me. Now I feel like I should have at least gotten my mom a card…

I’m very sentimental - moments in time are meaningful to me, and I cling to a memory and repeat it in my mind over and over again (occasionally to my detriment). How do you mark one of the most life altering moments? How do you celebrate something/someone so tangible and intangible?

With cake of course.

We didn’t plan a big theme, or a party. I had considered it, but then realized the party would have just been for me (and to be honest, 95% of the time I don’t care for parties either) and would have been overwhelming for my little one. A few people (family) came over anyway, and as expected, it was a little overwhelming for the little one. So I felt good about not organizing “a thing” this year.

The three of us went and played in a nearby park for a little while until it was time to go home and nap.

One of my presents (to myself) for the Beeboo’s birthday was this cute happy crabby onesie from Beb and Ooo. (also, was excited to grab something from them because of our kiddo’s nickname!) I picked it up at the Baby Show from Modern Rascals.

Illustrated dark red large and small crabs on a golden yellow onesie. The collar is lined with a similar colour. Here is a close up of the Beb and Ooo Happy Crabs onesie. It makes me so happy!

What has changed for me in a year?

Time

I realized just how much time I used to have. Time to myself. Time to watch tv. Time to do absolutely nothing. I’ve become more efficient with my time - while still completely wasting it somedays. I’ve come to accept that there is value in “wasting” time - the first few months while the Beeboo napped I cleaned and did useful things.

Now I’m chilling out for a few hours while he sleeps, and then I will do all the things while he’s awake. I think there is a lot of value in him seeing me do things that need doing in the house, because it’s less of a magical process, and more of a process with actions involved.

Body

My body is not what I remember pre baby. Even while pregnant, things were quite different. It’s hard some days. I feel pain where I didn’t feel pain before, but slowly I can feel myself moving and feeling a bit better again so there is light at the end of this tunnel.

I’m trying to stay away from the negativity of others, and accept that healthy comes at every size. One of my favourite discoveries has been the Healthy Habits Happy Mom’s community on Facebook. It’s a friendly encouraging place that supports self care, positive self-esteem, and listening to your body.

I’m planning on finally signing up for their postnatal work out series now that my pelvis feels more aligned.

Love

I have a greater appreciation for my partner. I appreciated him before, I think, but now I really see how incredible he is. He is encouraging, supportive, and a great father, and a great husband. I value the time we get to spend one-on-one all the more now.

Friends

I’ve lost friends. This one is tough. People I used to be friends with for years, have disappeared. Some because of me, some because of them. Maybe we will find our way back to some kind of friendship again, or not.

On the bright side,** I’ve found new friends and found new community**. This one is huge. The friendships I’ve made this year have been significant. I’ve gotten closer to acquaintances I used to know, and have met a lot of really lovely people (usually people that are parents) and while we don’t have everything in common, we do have a few things that matter.

Finding myself

I’m acutely aware of needing something that differentiates me as an individual, as well as a mother. Since I’m in the process of shutting down a business that acted as part of my identity for the last few years, I’m entering a space where I feel adrift without an alternate anchor.

I feel more confident for the future. I feel like a capable parent and like I can handle what comes next (I might regret saying this in a few months/weeks/days/hours, but right now it’s totally true.)

Ultimately, I’m trying to make sure that I’m enjoying the present, but also looking forward to the future. We have a lot of fun everyday, lots of laughs, and lots of books. I’m excited to share the things I love with the ones I love, and I’m looking forward to the years ahead.

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